Where Do I Go from Here?

Last Thursday, June 24, was the one-year anniversary of Art's death. It's not the kind of anniversary anyone looks forward to celebrating, but it is what it is. Knowing I didn't want to be alone in this empty house, I made plans to fly to Connecticut, where I could be with three of my children, and spent what would have been our 48th wedding anniversary on a plane. It was as good a place to be as any, I guess.

As it turned out, that dreaded anniversary wasn't as difficult as I had anticipated. The kids kept me busy during the day and we all went out for sushi that night. Art loved sushi, so it seemed like a good way to honor his memory. Although it was difficult to be there without Art, I couldn't help feeling  a sense of pride and joy in watching the children we raised together laughing, teasing each other and sharing memories of their Dad.

So, if I believe what everyone has been telling me, "the first year is the worst," then I guess the worst must be over. I've gone through all the significant dates—birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's day, our anniversary—without Art. I've learned how to do some things I'd never done before, because Art always took care of them. I've kept myself busy, made a few changes in my life, kept myself from falling apart… The problem is, I still have this big empty hole in my life that I can't seem to fill no matter how busy I keep myself. I can't imagine there will ever be a day that I won't miss Art, but I suppose it will eventually get less painful.

The truth is, we probably assign too much importance to the "first year" thing. It may be the worst, but everything doesn't suddenly get better once it's over. Still, now that it is over, maybe it's time to stop dwelling on all those significant dates and try to figure out where I go from here.