Small Changes

My life changed dramatically and irrevocably when Art died. That's obvious. What's not so obvious are the small changes in my every day life—things I do differently than I did when Art was alive—that have generally gone unnoticed. For some reason, I started to think about them this week. I'm not sure if there is any significance to the timing, but I guess it's worth examining.

Some of these changes have made my life easier in small ways; some have brought me some semblance of joy; and some seem just plain silly. For example, I'm eating a lot more onions and peppers then I did when I was cooking for Art. I love onions and peppers, but Art said they upset his stomach, so I rarely cooked them, even for myself. If a recipe called for onions, as many good recipes do, I would add a small amount, just for the flavor. I would either cut them really large so Art could pick them out (and put them on my plate) or cut them really small so they weren't visible. Amazingly, they usually didn't bother him when I did that.  I also eat more green beans. Green beans were the only vegetable Art didn't like, so I never cooked them even just for myself. I could never understand Art's aversion to green beans.They seem pretty innocuous to me, but he said they tasted "fuzzy." He used to say that "green beans were one of God's mistakes."

I've written about this before, but, while I'm on the subject of food, I need to confess that I'm still eating my dinner on a TV tray every night while watching the news, or a movie, or something I've taped on TiVo. It seems less lonely that way. Art and I always sat at the table to eat, either in the kitchen area or on the lanai, when weather permitted, except on nights (usually a Friday or Saturday night) when we had a good Netflix movie to watch. We found that the only way we could be sure we would both stay awake through the entire movie was to start watching it while eating dinner on TV trays. And, no matter where we ate our dinner, we almost always had a glass of red wine with our meal. Now, I rarely have wine with my dinner unless I have company or am eating in a restaurant. I also never cook on the grill, although it is something we did often when Art was alive.

I realize that focusing on the small changes related to food makes it seem like I'm obsessed with eating. I'm really not. However, I think it probably is a reflection of how important family mealtime has always been to us. When the family is all together, one of our great joys is to join forces to plan and cook good meals. That's probably why dinner time is still such a lonely part of the day for me.

Other small changes have made life a bit easier or have allowed me to do some things I enjoy, but rarely, or never, did when Art was alive. I now only have to do one load of laundry a week, I run the dishwasher every 7 to 10 days, I read in bed, I occasionally go out with friends in the evening to Happy Hour, or to a movie, and I always have full control of the TV remote.

Would I give all these things up if I could have Art back in my life? In a heart beat!