Over another hurdle

Everyone tells me that all "the firsts" are the hardest, so now that Christmas is over, I guess I can say I survived another "first."  Actually, I found the weeks leading up to it, and the days following, to be more difficult than the actual day itself. I found the pre-holiday frenzy, with all the talk about cards and gifts and holiday entertaining, somewhat stressful, probably because I wasn't participating in any of it. That really should have been a good thing—I think I've done my share of complaining about the commercialization of Christmas in the past—but I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was missing out on something.


Because all four of my "kids" were planning to fly down to spend Christmas with me, we decided to forgo gift giving, so there were no presents to buy. I did intend to send cards this year—something I hadn't done last year because of Art's illness—and even got the cards I'd purchased in a post-holiday sale two years ago out of storage. But in the end, I couldn't bring myself to do it. That turned out to be the most difficult part of the holidays for me. As cards began to arrive in the mail, too many of them were addressed to "Mr. and Mrs.," a painful reminder that there were many friends from our past lives, friends we only communicate with during the holidays, who did not know that Art had died; and, because I didn't send cards last Christmas, many of them didn't even know he'd been ill. Before another year goes by, I know I need to communicate with these friends, all of whom Art and i cared about even though we didn't communicate regularly. That is my New Year's resolution. 


Thanks to my wonderful adult children and their significant others, and my sister and brother-in-law, Christmas eve and Christmas Day were filled with good food, good company, and an abundance of love. To honor Art, we put candles in empty red wine bottles, and felt his presence. There were tears, of course, but there was more laughter than tears. And that is just the way Art would have wanted it.